Meet my biggest fear: Taking time off, relaxing and resting

I’m sitting by the pool of a gorgeous Villa in Canggu, Bali, with nothing on my agenda other than a conversation with my coach later today and a massage. And yet, there’s a creeping, almost unnoticeable, but at the same time unbearable anxiety and fear that I’ve done well to ignore, try to talk my way out of or downplay over the last few weeks. 

This December, where I have nothing going on after an amazing, connecting and heart-warming year, is easily the hardest month for me so far. What gets triggered in my mind is a story around who I am if I do nothing. I heard someone recently say that they are so scared of doing nothing and just being because they’re afraid that when the engine stops, it can never be turned back on. It’ll lead to endless lethargy, sitting on the couch, eventually running out of all the money, energy and self-esteem. Then, being homeless, and dying miserably in a street alley without friends or anyone’s warm embrace or comfort. Embarrassingly, this is where I end up if I follow down the rabbit hole of thoughts from the trigger of “I’m taking a month off and I don’t have a plan for what to do with it”. The big underlying force: fear.

It embarrasses me and brings up intense shame and guilt at the same time. For one, there are stories I hear from others around wishing to have the life I have. Wishing to be able to have the problems I have. And yet, anyone I’ve met who has had any degree of success in their lives seems to struggle with a very similar problem. 
Although my body is giving me all the signs that rest and relaxation is good and just what I need, my mind’s patterning is very entrenched and powerful. It says, ultimately: If I don’t do something, I’ll be worthless and then die. Almost a year ago I wrote an article about separating work from worth and yet, here I am. 

What I’m realizing for the first time is that the fear in my body predicting fear and worthlessness is in fact correct. Something is dying and subject to a degree of worthlessness as I’m allowing myself to go into this: The belief that I’m only somebody worthy of love, attention, and connection if I’m constantly working hard. My ego doesn’t like that at all, or more precisely: the young child in me, that has heard that stressing myself out and chewing myself out is the way to live, is all of a sudden without a plan. That’s painful to any human nervous system if I’ve learned anything about healing and the body over the last few years. What other way is there to live if not by that rule and law? 

As I’m continuing to sitting here, it seems like I can almost touch that old belief in myself, see that scared child overlooking the pool with dread. And next to it, there’s now a blank canvas opening up. One where I can create my own path, future, and life. What I’d like to write on it, I’m not exactly sure. Maybe something like this: It’s ok to rest, to explore, to experiment, to fail. It’s ok to have agenda-free downtime, even if it’s scary. It’s ok to wander around, even if you’re clear on how you’d like to be of service to the world. It’s ok to decompress, to not know and to just play with what comes up, as a beginner. It’s ok to frustrate yourself, to feel lost in space as there’s no sense off feedback or validation for doing nothing. Maybe it’s ok that I can just trust what’s coming up within me is good enough. 

Those are some of the things I’d like to write on that canvas and I’d like to remind myself of and you too if that resonates with you in any way. Ok, deep breath, into the fear we go. Good luck!