I’m writing to know who I am

It’s a question that caught me completely off guard when my coach asked me after I brought up the subject of writing: Why are you writing Leo? I stumbled. Well, I’m writing, because…because. I had no clue I admitted. Why was I writing? Of course, I knew perfectly well why I was writing. In the past, it had been to accomplish something. To stand out, to impress, to acquire customers, to be validated. Those were all perfectly good reasons why I had been writing, hundreds, maybe over a thousand articles at this point. And it worked. It had worked damn well I told myself! 

But I was stuck. None of those reasons were good enough for me anymore to keep writing. I couldn’t get myself to put even one sentence down. It angered me. It was such a beautiful drive, to dig in my heels, to write an amazing article, so that I would be proud when people admired it. And devastated when they didn’t. Well, no more, a part of me said. That part had enough of that and I couldn’t get myself to keep writing from that place. 

Yet, I continue to be drawn back into writing. I recently did something that I thought I’d never do: A past life regression followed by an integration session with an astrology reading. A part of me still shudders to put these words down, mainly because I’d have shamed myself and others deeply for doing something like that just a few years ago. But this was powerful. The woman touched me deeply and was a professional. When she looked at my chart, she said that it’s a rare combination of deeply authentic, inward and deeply public, outward, wanting to be seen, heard, recognized. These two elements were on completely opposite diagonals on the chart. She hadn’t seen anything like it in a long time. Whether this had to do with the stars or not I didn’t care so much about, but something clicked there. Something in me wanted to write. And it slowly something emerged for me that the reason I’m writing is that it bridges the chasm between these two forces for me that are so opposite from each other. It transports parts of my deepest inner life outward to the world. It’s like a string that offers to connect these two parts and communicate. 

Another reason I write is to tell myself stories that I’d like to remember. I noticed when I discovered that frame of why I’m writing, my headlines immediately softened. They went from me shouting through a megaphone what I wanted to world to know to me gently telling myself simple insights and stories that I thought could be helpful to hear from time to time. A different frame, much gentler, much more powerful at the same time. So one question I come back to when I sit down to write is “What would you like yourself to know about this topic?” And then I try my best to explain it to myself, fumbling and stumbling through the fog, that as I’m keeping typing word for word, eventually a truth emerges for me. 

Ultimately this is why I write. For myself, for my own clarity and for my own wish to be seen and heard in my truth, by myself and by anyone else that feels drawn to it. Good enough. 

PS: I also want myself to remember that it’s ok to be drawn back into the old stories of why I write from time to time, where I want to impress and beat my chest and show off. I kind of see myself as a 4-year-old presenting his drawing to his parents when this happens. With a gentle smile and a knowing that this too, is a fine reason to write sometimes. And that elephant has 5 legs and 2 trunks!