The people you lose, the people you gain, the people that stay

A coachee and I recently got into a conversation about a particular pain that emerges when we start to truly engage with and meet life. The pain that comes from shifting relationships with the people around us.

As with all things that are shifting and moving, so are the people that come into our life. Especially when we visit the liminal spaces, which people mainly do when they interact with me, these shifts in life become more emphasized and apparent. 
“What should I do with the people I feel much less connected to, now that I’m moving into a different direction?” was a question asked. That question is often about “How do I manage the loneliness, fear, sadness and pain I’m encountering with these shifts?”. And my answer as with most other moments like this is to entrust ourselves fully into it. To flow and move through the loneliness, the fear, the sadness, like the trapeze artist that is letting go of one bar, trusting that he will grab ahold of the next one soon and sure enough. That artist knows about the seeming uncertainty, that is firmly rooted in the certainty of uncertainty. This is not easy. If you’re unsure how to do that yourself, ask people to help you, a friend, a therapist, a coach, a mentor, a meditation teacher, no need to delay. 

Although spiritually speaking not quite as precise as I prefer, I want to give 3 concrete ideas about what we may encounter as you live your best life and shift into what makes you extraordinary:

The people you lose

Some people that have been an important part in your life over time may become less so as you and they change. That is ok. There will be a group of people for everyone of us we want to let go off. To set them and ourselves free. This peeling off process, especially the closer it has been, is often painful. 

Deep down however, every person I coach knows, once we get to it, who those people are that they want to let go off, at least for a while. 

The people you gain

As you enter the new phase of your life, if you haven’t done the work to let the people that you can no longer serve or that are no longer serving you go, you don’t have room for the group of people that you will gain. It’s important to remember that when we make room for something, that we make room for something more resonant, more stimulating, more scary, and more fitting at the same time. 

Welcome those people, and be gentle with yourself and them. Let the bonds build slowly and patiently at the speed that is right. To some of us that rush into any kind of work, friend or love relationship, that may mean to take things slower and to care for the pain that’s exposed as things move slower. For those of us that rarely make a move, it may mean to experience kind discomfort in naming how we feel or what we want concretely from another person sooner than usual.

The people that stay

There’s a third group of people I have encountered. It’s the people that stay with you, through the shifts and transitions. Your distance to them may vary and shift, and we could argue that for the first group of people too that, even if extremely distant, they still stay with you, but this third group is different from them. It is different in the way that you continue to be energized from them and give energy to them in a meaningful way. 

I have a tendency to leave all and everyone behind as new shifts occur in my life and I’m grappling with the idea to embrace some people that want to stay. And that I want to stay too. This terrifies me, because I have an old belief that after some time you need to make a blank slate. This belief isn’t serving me anymore and instead I want to acknowledge that there’s no such thing as a blank slate. That there’s tremendous strength and support gained from staying connected, unconditionally and through the ups and downs with some people that are also on the same path as I am, in one way or another. 

What about you?

If this resonated with you, take some time to reflect on the things that are shifting for you in your life. And think about the people, especially those whose relationship is a bit scary to bring in. Who are the people you want to lose, the ones you want to gain and the ones you want to stay? After all, it’s your life and you create it by the interactions you have with yourself and others.