Don’t ask for forgiveness, ask for permission

In my previous company I remember saying to a number of new employees the following line: “Around here, we don’t ask for permission, we ask for forgiveness” and would smile expectantly that this would turn their lives upside down and make their time working at the company great. 

The truth is, I never thought much about that line. It seemed to be a cool thing that a lot of other people were saying at the time. And on the surface it seemed to make sense. “Yeah, go for it, just do whatever you want and ask for forgiveness later, no big deal.”

Today I think differently about this. And I think it is a big deal. 

I think there are few ways more powerful in creating strong and sustainable business, romantic and friend relationships than to ask for permission. Here are 5 ways I have asked others for permission in the last 7 days, including my partner, my friends and my clients:

• Would you be open to me asking a question about what you just said? 
• Can I interrupt you for a moment and pause here?
• I’d like your permission to turn up the heat on you in this conversation, how do you feel about that?
• Can you help me unpack this for a moment, I don’t have clarity on what’s going on. 
• Are you open to going back to the topic of X, there’s more I want to share with you about that

Pause for a here moment and notice what it feels like in your body to read these questions as if someone was asking you them. 

Permission creates safety

If you want to create intimacy, connection and achieve your dreams in life, the people you come in contact with need to feel safe around you. I know few ways that create safety better than by asking others for permission to explore whatever it is that is dear to your heart. 

Permission reveals

When you ask others for permission, you make it clear that you want them to have a say in what’s going on. More importantly, you make it clear that you have something to say that is important to you. You are creating a container to go into the thing that might be scary, difficult or emotional, yet valuable. Most things that we value in life are tender and need to be tended to with care. Permission creates that level of care for most of us. 

Permission does not mean you give up your power, it means you’re stepping into it

The original saying “Don’t ask for permission, ask for for forgiveness later” has a beautiful intention. It wants to support people to do the great work of their lives. I value that a lot, in fact, that’s all I’m interested in doing these days. Yet, in this old equation most people confuse permission with something else. Saying “Can I pleeeeease do this?” is not asking for permission. It’s begging. It neither reveals anything about your heart’s desire and it also indicates you have given your power over to the other person. 

People that step into their power don’t beg, but surprisingly, they do ask for permission often. A friend of mine who is a billionaire entrepreneur once said to me “I believe that life is short and with your permission, I’d like to cut to the chase here, would that be ok?”. Wow, I was stunned. What a powerful question. Full of humility, full of vulnerability and also no compromise at the level of power that this person wants to step into to live their life. “Yes, that would be ok, I’m interested in that too, tell me more!” was my response.