Life advice from a book about raising dogs

I don’t have a dog. I’m thinking regularly about getting a dog as part of the intentional community I want to live. I realized how much I dislike the way my dad is raising his dog. There are commands, positive reinforcement, walks, all the usual stuff I’ve heard hundreds of times before when people talk about treating and raising a dog. 

This has always, in the back of my mind felt degrading and just not right in how I imagine a respectful way of treating another being should be. I figured that if we really collaborated with dogs at some point, thousands of years ago to ensure our survival, surely it didn’t happen with those bullshit obedience and conditioning tactics. I don’t doubt that the pavlov idiocy works, I just think it is a mean and ultimately unfulfilling and empty way of building a connection with a dog or child for that matter. 

When I researched around online, I couldn’t find any books that different from the usual obedience training ideas. Until I stumbled upon something that in the gut of my guts felt right: Dog training with natural dogmanship. 

I was intrigued, ordered the book and have been fixated and elated on reading it ever since. The book speaks in the clearest and most respectful way I’ve ever heard anyone talk about human’s relationship with dogs. It even has a section on attachment theory for dogs! 

“Not once in a million years has a dog gone for a walk”

The author Jan Nijboer goes into great detail to help me understand what a dog wants. And going for a walk isn’t one of those things, ever. Instead, he explains, a dog at any given time wants one of 4 things, admitting that this is certainly an oversimplification. Most importantly, a dog wants to hunt, this ensures that the dog has enough food to eat. Never mind if a dog gets fed from his owner daily, this will not erase the natural instinct for a dog to hunt, even if it’s so beaten and yelled out of him with all the obedience training in the world. Secondly, a dog wants to protect his territory. This ensures he is safe, can keep hunting in a territory he knows that will keep providing food for him and his pack. Thirdly a dog wants to have sex. This ensures he bears offspring, strengthens his pack and probably is a fun thing to do for him/her. And lastly a dog wants to have relationships. Being social ensures there is a collaborative environment for a pack that is strong and able to survive better than being completely alone. 

When I read it like this, I want to hit my forehead and say “of course!” and yet, for some weird reason, up until that point I found it reasonable enough to take a dog for a walk. Whatever I thought might be happening, the dog definitely didn’t think this was the same – for the dog, it was a mix of hunting, finding a mate, protecting his territory or otherwise building social relationships with other dogs/humans. 

Having a great relationship with a dog, according to Jan, means to help the dog meet all of his 4 big needs. 

The needs of a dog, the needs of a human

Seeing a dog as a living, breathing being that has a distinct set of needs is a revolutionary way of thinking for me. It upsets how I’d previously thought of dogs and also helps me think of myself much more in the same way. 

Although not exactly alike, I too have thought of myself in frameworks that have nothing to do with my natural instincts. I too, have taken myself on walks, have gone to work, to school, been obedient to orders and commands and so forth. When in reality, all of that is bullshit. What is instead true, is that I too have needs, just like a dog, that I’m intrinsically motivated to fulfill. Although I’ve been trained in a certain way and have distorted and contorted myself and others to fit into certain ideas, it doesn’t erase my natural biology.

When I dig deeper, I find that although not exactly the same as a dog, I too have needs I want to fulfill. I too want to hunt for my food, create shelter with my hands for me and my family or tribe, explore nature and understand the territory around me and whether it is safe or not. I act much in the same way, but have rarely allowed myself to reflect and integrate that reality deeply. 

I’m Leo, the Golden Retriever from next door!

Most painfully, I like to think of myself of having created a life for me that is not so dissimilar from a lovely golden retriever living in the house of a well to do family. Through my success in a previous business, I accumulated enough resources so that I never have to work again – yay! And, just like a chill golden retriever, I thought I could just leisurely live out the rest of my life in a fancy house without a worry in the world. 

What I’ve realized is that that way of thinking however has made me deeply miserable over the last few years. I’ve slowly lost a lot of drive and motivation I’d previously had. I had been so focused on resource accumulation, which was deeply meaningful for me at the time, but put me in a slump after I had accomplished it. What I’m realizing now is that my body’s innate ability, and what it is made for is to keep meeting those needs and accomplish them myself, regardless of what financial reality I have. 

Not surprisingly, Jan Nijboer argues that most dogs, although they live a life with all of their needs met for them, are deeply miserable and depressed. This is because they don’t get to contribute their innate ability to the survival of the pack and they don’t get to act out their instincts for hunting, mating, protecting and socializing enough. 

The freedom of needs based living

With the help of a lot of body-based training over the last few years, I like to think that I worked my way into a different way of relating to the world. One that’s not embedded in western ideas about work and life, but instead one that’s rooted in needs based living. And the information about those needs I receive from my body, eating, sleeping, calling a friend, cuddling, doing something with my hands, etc. It works surprisingly well, and also frustrates me often as I imagine I’m still often at the intersection of what I should do and what my body intrinsically suggest I need and feel right now. 

I’m excited about continuing to cultivate this way of needs based living and supporting others on their journey towards it, breaking out of the classic obedience or “should” training we have all received ever since we were born. 

If you are interested in this way of living too, shoot me an email and let’s talk about making a community oriented around it a reality!

PS: If you’re new to needs-based living, I highly recommend reading and meditating on the list of human needs developed by the NVC community. Although I prefer the Radical Honesty framework for communicating, I value the needs list from NVC deeply for its clarity and precision.

Photo by Jason Gardner on Unsplash