What does it mean to be kind?

There was a quote I saw that got me thinking. It said, “I notice how valuable it is to do one thing: be kind, it doesn’t cost anything.” I thought the statement to be noble and I see it’s the intention, yet it also puzzles me. What does kindness mean? Colloquially I think we use kindness as a synonym for being nice. Although the two are not the same at all in my mind. 

This week I told a CEO I was coaching this: “When you talk like this, you sound like a tiny mouse that peeks into a room to see if it’s ok to get some cheese and then anxiously disappear again when you see people.” Reflecting on this, my sense was that this was the kindest thing I could tell him, to be provocative and help him remind him of his true power. Was it nice? Heck no, not at all. 

The more I sit with this question, the more confused I get. There doesn’t seem to be a clear answer as to what kindness is. Every moment where I’m present, a different answer seems to fit. Sometimes it is to listen, sometimes to tell the truth of what I’m seeing. Sometimes the kindest thing I’ve done was to walk away, sometimes it was to fight. 

This brings me to the insight that we can’t practice kindness in the way it is commonly suggested, that is by being nice. But we can practice looking closely, being attentive and then letting the action come forth that most elevates and supports the moment, based on our intuition and experience. The more closely we learn to look, the more fitting our actions will be and as a result, we have thereby practiced kindness. A kindness to presence. A kindness to what most serves the moment. 

That brings me relief, ahh.