Why it’s so difficult to “do what you really want in life”

I recently went for a long walk with a friend. He told me he hired a researcher focusing on his family’s ancestry to look into his family history. They found out that for over 500 years they have been bakers and have run bakeries, all the way back to the Middle Ages. Wow, I thought, how fascinating. Now, he himself is not interested in that and charted a very different path for himself.

Ancestrally I come from a family of school teachers and farmers. It only dawned on me recently how far away I’ve swayed from that heritage and line of work.

In my coaching practice at the end of the day, it centers around supporting my clients to live the kind of life that they find enjoyable, fulfilling, and amazing. Every session is a returning, in one way or another to the question of “what is it that you really want?”, with varying answers and next steps of course.

Although it seems so attractive to “go after your dreams” and to “do what you really want to do in life”, time and again I’ve noticed that it comes with a vast amount of pain and struggle.

When we go after what we really want, it often means that we will move far away from that which our parents or family history has been. This comes with anxieties and fears, in part because our bodies have no reference point for the kinds of new and uncertain activities and endeavors that we are exploring.

I’d argue that most of the work that I do in sessions is to help clients adjust to their dreams by letting the anxieties settle only to notice that it’s safe to go after what you want after all.

Your ability to be truly alone

Doing what you want in life requires us to a large degree, first and foremost to be ok with feeling alone. It’s no coincidence that almost all native traditions across the globe require a coming of age ritual for the members of their tribes. This is where they often need to go off into the woods alone and complete a certain task or journey. A fundamental aspect of that is to face yourself, your own humanity, your fears, anxieties and joys, and the vastness of your mind and body. And to return as a new person, with the insight one way or another, that despite your fears and anxieties you can handle yourself and be with yourself.

Being alone, in an almost always “on” world has become a rare gift for most of us. And we stumble upon it we rarely see it as a gift, but are annoyed, scared or frustrated and want to pull back as quickly as we can. Back into our safe illusion of connection with others through our phones or computers. It rarely stills our anxiety though. What does still it, however, is to be with it and to be with it completely which naturally requires us to be with nothing else but ourselves and our anxieties.

We can prepare ourselves for this with all kinds of modalities, be it meditation, walking in nature, coaching, therapy, what have you. But ultimately, it can’t be an exercise. It has to be the real thing, the life or death moment when we really come to terms with ourselves. It has to be you, facing yourself as completely as you dare to. And from there, goodness flows naturally.

I’m writing this not because I don’t believe it’s the greatest thing in the world to go after what it is you really want. But because I want to put it into context for anyone that is doing it that it will forever be the most monumental task of your life: to keep facing yourself and to come to terms with your own vastness. And to let it birth a beautiful intention and action for how you want to make use of your aliveness and potential.

It is not easy, in fact, I believe there is nothing harder to do in life than this. But it is also enormously fulfilling and powerful. So much so, that I believe there is nothing more fulfilling and powerful.

So I will leave you with the question: What is it you really want? And what is stopping you from taking one small step towards it today?

Caveat

The caveat is that it’s not a one and done thing, but something that if we’re completely honest needs to happen every day, in some shape or form. Over and over again. Looking yourself in the mirror and asking yourself that question differently and truthfully: what is it my dear, that your heart truly desires?

Another caveat is just because you faced yourself honestly and truthfully yesterday, doesn’t mean you’re good now for today. It’s something that doesn’t end and that is a fun process once we acknowledge that it’s something we need to engage within a certain, ideally daily regularity.

Good luck!